Drowning my thoughts in music.

Hello fellow readers! It's been an interesting day to say the least. As I sit here in front of my computer, I'm drowning myself in the sounds of Evanescence. I love their music. Anyway, I guess you'll find out soon enough why I'm blasting music into my head at such a loud volume.

Let me start by saying a Happy Easter to you all! The day started out great with the thought that we are celebrating the rising of Jesus. Praise God for the victory over death! It's just an amazing thing that we commemorate. We are so blessed and so lucky. Mass was great. I guess it's pretty fitting that as we celebrated the death and resurrection of Jesus, we here at Keesler also began our celebrations back into our normal chapel. It's nice. Bigger than the other chapel, so that's nice. One thing that was brought up by the choir director as well as one of the Catholic Group coordinators that hit me today was the fact that I wasn't with my family.

After enjoying the tastes of those cream puff dessert things, I headed back to my dorm. Talked with my beautiful wifey as I walked back. Convo was all good and fine. Then a certain topic was raised that changed the whole feel of everything. Not to go into depth about that convo, but it brought about serious issues and the tone of things went from being good to frustration. Not that we got into some big argument or anything, but we sure did have some things to talk about. Moments of silence. Silence can be deafening. This convo carried on from when she left her house to go to my parents' house, then until she got to the CFC Easter picnic.

This is where things made a turn for the worse. All the things we had just previously talked about took the back seat to something more painful. Something so painful that it brought me to tears. I haven't cried this hard in so long. I was lying on my bed with my face stuffed either into the bed or into the pillow to drown out the sounds so that the wifey couldn't hear me. It proved successful, but she heard the sniffles. After she asked me why I was sniffling, I told her "that's what happens when I cry." She asked why I was crying. I told her. It took me a while to gather my composure to speak, but I did. Still crying and sniffling and even gasping for air to speak... the words came out. So here goes.

I didn't care about the serious conversation we had because after she rolled up at the CFC Easter picnic, I heard the familiar sounds. It made me think of those picnics, the people, the event, the celebration. I never felt so alone. [I think I should've brought some tissues with me.] She couldn't hear me as I started to cry because not only was I muffling the sounds, but she was in an environment thta made it difficult to hear me. She was saying hi to everyone as she got there. I cried as she did so, thinking of how I'm not there. Thinking of how unfair this is. Thinking of how much this sucks. My face was still pressed within my pillow as I was lying there listening to her at the picnic. The feeling of being so alone was tearing me up inside. When my situation was finally known to her, she left the picnic area and sat in her car [thanks beb for staying with me]. We talked about how I was feeling alone here. Again, we waited until I could talk. Breathe... breathe... now we can talk. This feeling sucked! But what could I do? What could she do? No one could do anything for me. It's something that I had to deal with. But how? This loneliness only goes away when she and my parents come visit or I can somehow go home. But even being on the phone, I still have that feeling of loneliness, just not so distant. Anyway, yah we just talked about it as I recovered from the pain I was feeling.

After all the tissues and tears, I was feeling good enough to tell her to go back to the picnic. She stayed with me. She insisted on staying with me. Thanks, beautiful! Just being with each other was comforting to some point. All the crying made me tired. I fell asleep briefly. Long enough for the 4-hour time limit. I think she went back to the picnic. I'm glad she did. I didn't want her to just stay there in the car because of me. I hope she went there to eat and have fun. I know she's having fun. I asked her to have fun for the both of us. I know she will. Play some volleyball for me. You know how much we love to play volleyball [I miss those gym days even if it was just us two practicing].

I wonder how long she'll be there. I might grab an early dinner tonight. Hm... I'm feeling okay I guess. No more tears, but that ill feeling is still present. Hopefully it won't bring me to tears again. For now, I guess I'll leave you with this...

lonely |ˈlōnlē| adjective ( -lier , -liest ) sad because one has no friends or company : lonely old people whose families do not care for them. • without companions; solitary : passing long lonely hours looking onto the street. • (of a place) unfrequented and remote : a lonely stretch of country lane.

alone |əˈlōn| adjective & adverb 1 having no one else present; on one's own : [as predic. adj. ] she was alone that evening | [as adv. ] he lives alone. • without others' help or participation; single-handed : team members are more effective than individuals working alone. • [as adj. ] isolated and lonely : she was terribly alone and exposed. • having no companions in a particular position or course of action : they were not alone in dissenting from the advice. 2 [as adv. ] indicating that something is confined to the specified subject or recipient : we agreed to set up such a test for him alone | it is Congress alone that can declare war. • used to emphasize that only one factor out of several is being considered and that the whole is greater or more extreme : there were fifteen churches in the town center alone.

Yah... that's me. For now anyway...